NOTE: Don’t read this. I just needed to get it all out.
Last semester was quite possibly the worst semester of my life. I feel that if I don’t write this out, I won’t be able to fully move on. And right now, all I really want is to move on.
The Story: I met these three girls (for the sake of this story, let’s call them A., B., & C.) and it didn’t take me long, after talking with all three of them, to learn that they were best friends. Towards the end of sophomore year, it came the time for us to pick our courses for junior year. Naturally, A., B., & C. wanted to at least have one class together. And since we attend a rather large high school, the chances of that happening were very unlikely. At this point, the relationship between those three girls and me was still at a very early stage and something in me made me suggest that they join a society that I was already a part of. That year, the Society had really been struggling and the Sponsor was looking for dedicated students to join the Society for the following school year so that she wouldn’t have to deal with as much stress as she had had to that year.
Coincidentally A., B., & C. met the requirements, passed the interview & essay portion, and made it into the society. The following year (my junior year), the threesome and I became really close, especially B. and I. As I reflect, it holds true that I spent the majority of my weekends with the girls.
This is when the problems began.
Although A., B., & C. were all best friends, any onloooker could easily see that A. and B. were much closer. I mean, they went to the same church; they were originally from the same city; both their families moved here at about the same time. During lunch time, A. and C. would leave to meet some other girls at the cafeteria and B. and I would be left alone in the classroom. Sometimes B. would plead with A. and C. to stay in the classroom too, but they were rarely ever swayed. During lunch, B. would talk about her friendship with A. Nothing bad. It’s just that at the stresses of high school began to fall on her, she began to question everything. And sadly, one of the things she questioned was her friendship with A. “The only reason I think we’re still friends is because I’ve known her for so long,” she would say. And every time, I would ignore her, hoping that she would move away from this topic.
You see, the thing is I’ve broken up a fair share of friendships. My parents have moved my siblings and I a lot. And everytime, it’s the same thing. Showing up at a school where you know no one. Joining friendships that have long since been established. That’s the awkward part—the joining a pre-established group of friends. For me, this has always come easy. I never go out looking for friends (for reasons that I may explain later), but somehow, they always find me. I guess people are naturally drawn to me. Which is odd since there’s absolutely nothing interesting about me (seriously). And it seems that whenever I do join a group of friends, the friendships ends shortly after.
I’m fully aware of why this is so. The problem is that there has always been something underneath the facade. Look at the case of A., B., & C. Yes, they were incredibly close friends. Yes, they had struck a balance that was perfect. The problem laid with B.’s insecurities and jealousy of A., the “perfect” one B. once called her. I’ve found this to be true in almost all the friendships that I’ve ever been involved with. And that is why I am the problem. B. can’t complain to C. about A. because they’re all best friends and it would be wrong. Therefore, she complains about A. to me. I’m the new person. I don’t yet have strong ties or loyalties to any of them.
I’ve been able to break up friendships in the past because I listen. That is my mistake–I listen. And it sucks because I really can’t help it. If I hadn’t have listened to X. complain about Y., then X. would not have ever gotten the impression that the things she believed to be true were actually true. And everyone know that a false sense of truth (or verisimilitude) is much more dangerous than the actual truth.
In the case of A., B., & C., I saw the warning signs and I thought it would be in their best interest to take myself out of the equation. I simply stopped talking to them. Yes, it was abrupt. Yes, it was a tad dramatic. But I did what I felt I had to do for the sake of their friendship. In my mind, I thought it was harder on my side than on theirs: they each lost one friend, I lost three; they each had someone to cope with, I had no one.
I was wrong. B., out of the three of them, apparently had the hardest time dealing with this (I didn’t learn this til the end of the school year). But rather than talk to me about it, she talked to everyone else about it. She talked to the Sponsor about it. She talked to her classmates about it. And all in all, she made me come of as a horrible person when all I was trying to do in the first place was help.
During the Society’s election, B. and I both ran for office, different offices. During the time that I had stopped communicating the with threesome, I had confided in Z. because sometimes a girl just needs someone to talk to. Z. gained a strong disliking for B. and posted something about not voting for her on my Facebook wall. I remember being very upset with Z. I remember asking her to delete the comment because the new Facebook (at that time) wouldn’t allow me to delete something off my wall that I didn’t post. Well, B.’s sibling saw this, printed it out, and sent it to one of my school’s counselor. And I was accused of cyber-bullying for something I didn’t even do. It was a big ordeal.
And honestly, I understand that some of it was my fault. What I don’t understand is why, after seeing the comment left by Z., B. didn’t confront me about it. I asked the counselor this when during the 1 of about 4 talks I had to have with her. She said that it had to do with pride. And that made me laugh. B. once at chalk to get laughs. It had nothing to do with pride.
I just, I just don’t understand why niether A. nor B. nor C. said anything to me. I don’t. Instead, they assumed the worst of me. They made me out to be this horrible, heartless person that I’m not. They turned my Sponsor against me. They turned a lot of my peers against me. They made me cry more than I’ve ever cried in my entire life. They made me, for the first time ever, dread going to school. And for all this, I don’t think I can forgive them. But I do want, more than anything, to forget them.
